April 09, 2010

An Ode to IPL Season 3


Danny Morrison: Oh! And that’s beautifully put away by Kohli; yet another six – and that brings the youngster’s total to 63 off just 38 balls… are we going to see young Kohli rescue the Challengers or is it far…
Lakshman Sivaramakrishnan (sulkily): Almost got the MRF balloon.
DM: What?
LS: The six. The ball almost hit the MRF balloon.
DM: AH YES! THE MRF Balloon! Shiv, Did You Know that MRF is the pioneer of Rubber Blimps in India?!
LS: What?! No! Really?!
DM: I kid you not. And did you know that Mamman Mapillai started the company that has become the leading manufacturer of rubber tyres in India with just a rubber tyre and a dead bandicoot?!
LS: You’re talking about the founder of Maxx Mobiles you idiot.
DM: What? Oh yes! Maxx mobiles of MAXX MOBILE TIMEOUT fame. I really feel compelled to buy an awesome Maxx Mobile every time there’s one of those.
(DM and LS sit silently moved by the awesomeness of Maxx Mobile Time Out while Balachandra Akhil executes a perfect pull that gets him his second DLF Maximum in the over)
DM: A Citi Moment of Success there! The total…
LS: Is Maxx spelt with a triple X?
DM: What?
LS: A triple X. Like Jamie Foxxx.
DM: HAHA! Shiv, you watch too much porn on the sly. Ha ha.
RAVI SHASTRI: HI GUYS! PLANT A TREE! PREVENT GLOBAL WARNING!
DM: Oo! Look! The MRF blimp is flashing! Ravi, stop shouting.  
LS:  WHO IS FLASHING WHAT?
DM: The lights on the MRF blimp, you perv.
(Silence. Kohli abuses T Suman and the leg umpire weeps in the corner. Ryan Harris runs in to bowl while images of Viru and Gauti giggling and fondling each other and a Karbonn Dual Sim phone are played on screens around the ground.)
RAVI SHASTRI: HI GUYS! DO YOU LIKE MY SEXY SUNGLASSES? I GOT THEM FROM CHEEKA WHO SHOUTS EVEN LOUDER THAN I DO.
CHEEKA: I SAY! CHENNAI SUPER KINGS ARE ONLY …  
DM: CSK isn’t playing today Cheeka. But while we’re on the subject of Chennai - CHENNAI is home to one of the best bowling academies in the world!! ….
DM, LS, RS, CHEEKA (joyful chorus): THE MRF PACE ACADEMY!
Harsha Bhogle: Hey guys. Has anyone seen my hair?
LS: Sunny stole it.

March 27, 2010

deconstructing Ramu Kaka

Is it just my imagination, or do fifty percent of all hindi movies made between 1980 and 1995 contain a Ramu Kaka character? 

A Ramu kaka is an old benevolent man-servant whose pathos filled wrinkled face is designed to drive viewers to tears simply by looking at it.  His role usually consists of hanging around wearing a dhoti and a white shirt or a kurta with a small (chequered) towel draped over one shoulder. Most of the time he walks around with a tray serving tea but in times of crisis (when, for example, the heroine's parents have estranged her over her choice of boyfriend (the hero)) he serves as a source of emotional support and kindly wisdom.

Ramu kaka usually refers to the heroine as bitiya.
Ramu kakas are also, invariably, dudes who've 'been with the family' for decades. Bitiya has probably known him forever and RK has been an integral part of her palan-poshan. Because this is India and not the USA the bitiya has not had problems that involve kaka pinching money from her piggy bank or instances of sexual harrassment from the then young and hormone filled 
kaka. (At what stage is it appropriate to start calling Ramu a kaka?)

Ramu kaka is also, mostly, a widower. I suspect this is mainly because script writers think it would be a dilution of kaka's character to have a benevolent old female hanging around in a pathos-filled manner as well, but anyway.  

A very important part of kaka's character is his loyalty to his employers - Ramu usually has two adult children who've managed to become successful (taxi owner in Mumbai and railway officer in Panipat) - but chooses to continue mucking about in the kitchen and serve people tea because he likes it, instead of leading a peaceful retired life (funded by his successful children) pimpin' about in rural UP. 

What does kaka mean?
We were once, while in school, watching 'Aandhi' in the AV-room, as part of our structured weekend entertainment. Aandhi (I thought at the time that this meant 'blind' but apparently it means something else that is a little more relevant to the theme of the movie)  is an old famous hindi movie that became even more famous because Indira Gandhi didn't like it. Apparently this was because the movie was based on Indira's life - to drive the point home subtly they even gave the heroine an Indira Gandhi hairstyle, skunk-stripe and all.  Anyway. This movie has a Ramu kaka character (who fulfils most of the criteria listed above).

While watching the movie, my friend Pranav was dwelling on the meaning of the word and decided to ask Ishan (hindi expert) for assistance. Kaka was, in the meantime, hanging around on-screen, looking positively tragic for no reason at all.

Pranav (to Ishan): Hey aggi. What does 'kaka' mean?
Ishan (pensively): Shit. 

We all found this very funny and laughed a lot and Satyajit Sir (who was screening the movie) yelled at us to stop being philistines and watch the movie in a civil manner. A short while after this, Sanjeev Kumar (the hero) appeared on screen running on a hillock while the beginning notes of a song played in the background. We laughed lots again (not because we thought of Feroze Gandhi running in slow motion; we weren't that sophisticated) and Satyajit Sir got very pissed off again. 

I tried to find a Ramu kaka picture to post here but couldn't. You can have a picture of sunil joshi and co looking sexy instead. 




Addendum:
Veena very kindly found some Ramu kaka pictures for me, so here they are:


I don't know what the dude is saying. Here's another one:

 


lines that really smooth guys use to impress girls

All these are taken from a real pro.

Pro: "Hey babe. wats ur fave buk"
-
Pro: "Yeah, I luv dat too. Seen da muvi?"
-
Pro: "Yeah. U seen da muiv? It's got mishelle fifer in it --- she's so hot... LOLZ"
-
Pro: "Yeah.... tru... Bt not as hot as U.....LOLZ"
-
Pro: "LOLZ...I'm crazy abt U....".
-

----
See? Subtle shift to bold flattery, display of love for culture and the arts and constant reminders of light and humourous nature (lolz).

No wonder i'm so popular with girls.

March 25, 2010

Feb 2009


etymology
I sometimes wonder about the phrase 'tongue-in-cheek'. I find it impossible to say anything coherently with a tongue in my cheek.

Kids Kemp
I just saw a man in a chimpanzee suit having a very serious conversation with a security guard

The Body Shop #2
At a recent visit to the Body Shop (see link) i purchased for myself a tremendously attractive nail clipper (‘RAAJ’). RAAJ is small, made of thick brushed steel and has extremely appealing contours (even for a nail clipper). With this purchase I have escaped the all pervasive Korean 'Bell' nail clipper, which I had no problems with really, apart from the fact that they tended to rust alarmingly fast. I do not wish to die of Tetanus. RAAJ doesn't cut nails too well though.

The Body Shop
Yesterday i went to the Body Shop and bought a cadaver for 20 rupees. He's called Romy

Sax

Has it ever struck anyone that

Kadri Gopalnath and

Kenny G

have the same initials?

Aasum

Also, since no post that's called Sax is complete without mention of our very own Very Very Sexman (VVS Lax-man), here he is, displaying his masterful batting


"Can lawyers predict the future?"

Which lawyer needs to fear the recession with tits like this around.

November 23, 2007

etymology

[you ll have to scroll down to the footnotes as and when they appear]

“Tombstoning”:

Per Merriam-Webster:

1. (Identity theft or) using dead peoples' names for committing financial fraud and identity theft.

2. An extreme sport involving diving off a fixed point such as sea harbour walls, bridges, rocks and cliff faces into water.

Per Bhargava’s[1] Dictionary of the Weird and Wonderful, with Free Semitic[2] Meanings, by Akshay Kumar Blackbelt[3].

TWO MEANINGS:

1) Identity Card theft.

The origins of this meaning date back from ancient times of famous EMPEROR Akbar and his handsome and witful minister Birbal (actually he was of Hindu religion). One time there was great panic and unrest in the kingdom of Akbar. Word was that there was an evil and merciless thief of Identity Cards who would steal in broad daylight from pockets of people! Naturally there was much worry in the citizens; one or two even committed self-molestation[4] in protest. Akbar, who was a wise and caring ruler, was also worried. He consulted Birbal on the matter, who, after only one minute of thought and stroking his moustache (his own moustache, not Akbar’s) had a solution. Next day, Akbar in disguise of a man who looked like he had Identity Card strolled casually into the marketplace. Naturally, thief saw him and proceeded to steal Identity Card from his pocket. Little did he know that in fact it was not an identity card but wise Birbal in disguise of Identity Card! Jumping out at the evil thief, Birbal stabbed him in the heart and killed him. The thief was a Christian fellow by the name of Jackson, hence he was buried and they put tombstone etc. on his grave.

2) Jumping off Cliffs.

There are two possible origins of this meaning.

One dates back to the ancient times of famous Emperor of now what is in modern day known as Afghanistan. He had strong and ferocious bodyguards who were highly trained in the art of killing people. But in times of no conflict bodyguards had no work to do hence they took up habit of smoking Cannabis (in India it is known as Ganja, Charas, etc.; there is also Bhang which one consumes with milk and sugar, especially in the time of Holi festival) and sometimes it made them so happy that they would jump off cliffs with great joy. In their language the Ganja was called HASHISH so the bodyguards were called HASISHIs[5]. This happily jumping practice continued until the evil Britishers came to the Indian subcontinent. Mercilessly, they banned consumption of Ganja, charas, etc, and forced everyone to drink gin and tonic instead. Now the Hashishis continued jumping off cliffs etc but they found it to be no fun without consumption of Ganja and died very sadly at bottoms of cliffs. Because the Britishers wanted to convert people (even dead ones also) they put them in graves and put tombstone etc on them.

Second origin is coming from the habit of small cute furry animals called Lemmings[6]. Lemmings also sometimes jump off cliffs into the sea, especially after the mating seasons. Walt Disney company wanted to make a movie on this but it was not in time of mating season of the Lemmings they put lots of Lemmings on small merry go rounds and then chased the confused Lemmings off cliffs and made documentary with video clip of last part. However, this evil practice was exposed and Mr. Diwakar (then MD of Walt Disney Company and illegitimate son of Mr. Walter Disney) was so ashamed that he also jumped off cliff and died. Because he was of Christian Religion (even though he had the Hindu name) they put him in a grave and put tombstone etc. on it. Many children who watched Mr. Diwakar’s Walt Disney cartoons are gravely influenced by his jumping and they think it is ‘cool’ in the western culture, so they jump off cliffs from time to time.
[1] Please buy our BHARGAVA’S HINDI-ENGLISH DICTONARY.
[2] Ed: We are not sure what this means. It either means (i) word origins, (ii) Jewish persons or (iii) vampire.
[3] Ed: Please do not confuse with Bollywood superstar Akshay Kumar WHO IS a Blackbelt. Please do not file law suit etc against us for misrepresentation, fraud etc. because you thought this book was written by Akshay Kumar WHO IS a Blackbelt. It is not. Also please buy our unabridged ‘Bhargava’s Dictionary of the Weird and Wonderful...’ which has foreword by Ramiz Raja (famous Pakistani cricket player and legendary cricket commentator).
[4] Ed: This means burning oneself. It happened in time of Mandal Commission Report also.
[5] Ed: This is also source of English word ASSASSINS. There is a movie by the name also starring Hollywood superstar Antonio Banderas but actually he is more sexy in movie ORIGINAL SIN (starring Angelina Jolie)
[6] Ed: We do not get them in India, only in foreign

September 14, 2007

chain mail

i'd forgotten about having written this a couple of years back

Basha is, by the way, the beloved net centre guy in college.
------------------------------------------------------------

dearest friends,

Please take a minute out of your busy work schedules
and read the small story below.

it is a true life story.

Basha is a carefree young man, loved for his
enthusiasm and his endearing one liners. With his
striking good looks and personal charm he was loved by
all who knew him. A peace abiding man, he worked as a
Computer Administrator in a Law College. In his spare
time he wrote short stories for children and played
the flute (baasuri).

....does all this sound familiar? it gets worse, dear
friends... please read on...

On one weekday - not too long back - Basha woke up and
after his customary prayers and ablutions, reported to
his work place at nine o clock, sharp, as has always
been his practice. On his way be helped an old lady
carry a load of sticks but still made it on time to
his work place.

At about 10:30 am Basha was sitting at his desk.
Listening to his favourite songs from Chiru's new
movie (Vastala Pumpistanu Rundi) he was contemplating
his new plaster of paris model of subhas chandra bose.
(Basha is also a talented sculptor, who makes special
models of freedom fighters). All of a sudden he heard
loud cries of "A/C ON NAHI KAR SAKTA KYA
B**NCH**TH?!!" and "SAALA INTERNET KO GAAND MEIN GHUSA
LO!!"

Before the startled young man had a chance to even
blink his eyes (like limpid pools they were) a pair of
hooligans had jumped at him and proceeded to smash a
computer monitor on his unsuspecting face and
attempted to feed him a mouse pad. To add injury to
(injury) they dropped a 1000 pound Xerox workstation
on his face.

Basha, miraculously, survived the assault. However,
even his loving wife has severe problems looking at
his once handsome face and has run off to her parents
house in Mahaboobnagar.

Basha requires extensive plastic surgery in order to
restore him to even a shadow of the man he was.

Have a heart... do the right thing... send this to all
your friends... for every mail send Microsoft will pay
an amount of $.37 to THE BASHA FACE FUND.

thanking you for your time, dear friends,

siddharth.

April 14, 2007

self explanatory.



haha.



cute ha. no?



im not sure what they're getting at.

espionage


without meaning to be racist i can swear to the fact that the picture above(discreetly taken) is of a 100 japanese gentlemen inspecting a form of some kind.
if you dont find this sort of thing funny i apologise. please dont ask me to ''explain the joke'' or somesuch.


few very ugly objects. please enjoy.



1) what the fuck is this?



2) this had JUNGLE PATTERNED seat covers to boot


3) psychotic teddy bear